Because I'm self-wallowing.

I spilled my heart out to you over Christmas, and you did the same. Just the two of us left alone in the hall, we were bound to spill our innermost secrets. We were already so close after living together and working together. This was different, I felt like our friendship reached a whole new level and you were someone I could truly confide in.

You shared your secret loves with me; you told me how you felt about someone with classy bone structure. I held back. I don't like talking about how I feel about him with other people.

However, I broke down one night in the leadership study and told you about how much I care for him, how much he means to me.

Two days later his girlfriend broke up with him. You told me that now was my chance. He was single, and I was the first person he told.

He and I talked every single day of break. He texted me when he was hurt and angry. I was the person who distracted him from the breakup. He went from being my best friend to the best friend I've ever had.

After we got back to school, he told me he didn't want any more relationships--that he wanted to wait and be single for a while. Understandable.

Months passed, and his and my friendship grew stronger. He and I spent damn-near every waking moment together. There was no possible way he didn't know how I felt about him.

His and your friendship blossomed too. The three of us started a bond and it was always fun to be together watching movies or hanging in the lobby.

The staff meeting that Hannah made us write down our frustrations and burn them was the night I found out. I wrote down three frustrations: chemistry, Sam, and him. I liked him so much, and all I wanted was for him to show a glimmer that he felt the same. I wrote his name on the slip of paper, put it in the bag, and watched it burn. The frustration didn't go away, I just thought about it all night through hall council. Afterwards, you were telling me the frustrations you burned: Sam, and Madi. Funny how we both put Sam's name in. We talked abut that situation and how much you hate Sam.

Then I wanted to talk about my frustrations with him. About how much I care for him, and how much it eats me up inside. I said one sentence about him, and you changed the subject.

Clearly, you didn't want to talk about him.

And then I realized. You like him too.

I paid it no heed. He's amazing; its difficult not to like him.

Then the cuddling increased. I would walk into his room and the two of you would be cuddling on his futon. Not really an indicator of anything. You're a self-proclaimed cuddle whore. After he and Brittany broke up, he started cuddling with everyone. Everyone except me. I distanced myself and said I didn't like to cuddle. The truth was, I knew that his arms around me would mean something different for me, so I thought it best to leave myself out of it.

I don't exactly remember where in the timeline Spring Break happened. I was supposed to be at home for my birthday. Instead, I drove 3.5 hours back to La Crosse to spend it with him. He was working alone in Angell, and I wanted to spend my time with him. We spent every waking moment together--literally. I imagined that's how it would be if he and I were together. A fun little fantasy. The night of my birthday came, and the whole 2 hours I was downtown I wanted to leave, because I knew he was back at Angell. At Bodegas Michelle asked me if I could ever see anything happening with him. Only a handful of people knew how I felt, and she wasn't one of them. I confided in Michelle about my feelings for him. I told her how much I care about him, and I just couldn't stop talking. I blabbed out everything. She is a very good listener. She gave me the support no other friend previously had--not even you.

I went back that night and sat in his room and giggled hysterically about everything. I fell asleep on his futon and woke up to him covering me up. I looked up and saw he was wearing his glasses. I then proceeded to tell him how adorable he is and how cute he is when he wears his glasses. He was in his bed laughing at me. I read the duty log he had just written, and I put to memory what he wrote. "Best part of your day: Spending the day with my best friend Mari, who is now asleep on the futon."

The summer came, and I had to spend two weeks living an hour and ten minutes away. Apparently you took my place and spent all your time with him. I thought back to you liking him, and realized that something else was going on. He stopped texting me so much, and so did you. It's like I was written out of our friendship.

I wanted to talk to you in person about what was going on, so I sent you my work schedule so we could hang out together. We made plans to hang out, but you planned other things. Then we scheduled dinner. The night of I texted you, and your response was that a bunch of people were coming. I had intended this to be the time we talk about what was going on.

You clearly didn’t want to be alone with me.

That evening he and you had plans to watch a movie. I was awkwardly invited along as the third wheel. I sat in your room on the opposite bed as you two sat on yours. The movie was awesome, but I could hardly concentrate because I was too busy thinking about what was going on between the two of you. I was gone for a week, and already I was left out of all the jokes and shunned as a second-rate friend.

That night, he and I left together. I gave him a ride to his car, and told him I wanted to give him his birthday present. He seductively asked what it was, and I was shocked he made a joke like that to me. At that moment I wanted just to kiss him, but the feeling I had previously flitted through my head, and I knew something was going on between the two of you. I gave him his present and he thanked me and did the customary, "You didn't need to get me a present."

The next day I decided to look at likealittle. Something I don't do very often. There was a post about a girl liking her guy friend, and wanting to take it to the next level. I knew that it was you who posted it. After all, you had posted a few other posts about liking him throughout the year. One of the comments stated that you didn’t know what to do, because you THOUGHT one of your friends also liked him. I had a comment to say about that one...you didn’t think, you knew.

I spent my entire day off moping around the house. My aunt asked me what was wrong. I told her I had a headache. How was I supposed to express my actual thoughts: I’m in love with my best friend, and he’s seeing my other friend who knows exactly how I feel about him. I decided to wait and see how long it took for someone to bring it up to me. After all, someone had to tell me some time, and there was no use crying over something I wasn’t positive on. For all I knew, I was making this all up.

The next night was his birthday. I was running late to dinner due to work, and I knew that it was going to be awkward between you and I. I didn’t want to see you. I walked in, and you were sitting next to him. Of course you were. That night I forced his attention on me. He and I were waiting at the bar at Cocos, and he told me I was pretty. It was like how it used to be. All his jokes were told to me, and we laughed at everything. Then again, he and I were the drunkest. I texted him from the bathroom that I’m glad he’s my best friend. A few minutes later I asked him who he was texting, he giggled, and said, “you.” I held onto his arm the entire way back to campus; partially because he kept weaving into the street, and partly because I just wanted to hold onto him. He and I held hands for about 20 seconds before he decided he wanted to start running to get to a bathroom faster. That was the best part. Holding his hand for 20 seconds: the most joy I’ve felt in a long time.

Then we got back to Sanford, and he slept in your bed with you. I lay in Becky’s room. I drunkenly blurted out, “I think something is going on between him and her. But he paid more attention to me tonight, but he’s in her bed. She and I are even.” Nobody corrected me. Becky gave me her opinion, and we went to bed. I couldn’t sleep at all.

My thoughts of anger continued to grow. I continually argued with myself if there was something happening between the two of you. At moments I thought yes, others I thought I was being silly. I spent most of my time thinking about it, and my dreams were haunted by the thought of it.

We had our Angell Hall reunion movie night, and from outside Jeff’s apartment I could see you snuggled into the crook of his arm. In the car it almost looked like you were holding hands. I figured I was being ridiculous. Then there were the comments during the movie. Everything you said he laughed at. Everything that I said he either ignored or belittled. I sat there next to him thinking of the conversation I wanted to have with him, but it’s been such a long time since he and I had been alone together.

What was happening with my best friend? After I left I texted him if he was mad at me for some reason. He assured me, he wasn’t.

That night I had a nightmare about it. I woke up during the night and wanted to call you and have you assure me nothing was happening between the two of you. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t do anything.

I knew something was going on between you, it was only a matter of time of when I found out officially.

Why hadn’t you told me yet? You know how I feel about him. To save our friendship, you should have told me at the beginning that something was happening. How could you do this to me? You crossed a line and thought nothing about me.

He should have told me. He’s my best friend. He tells me everything. The only reasons I can think of for him not telling me is that he knows how much it will hurt me. He knows how much I care. He should have told me. Telling me would have been better.

And so we come to this morning. I was calm. I knew I wanted to talk to you in person, but my attempts at that didn’t work. I took a shower and was getting dressed. I walked over to my phone and texted you if I could ask you a question. You took forever to respond with “yeah.” I asked if something was going on between you two. I started cutting my nails to distract myself from waiting for your response. My phone buzzed, but I couldn’t look. I finished trimming one hand of nails. I felt that I was going to look at my phone and see something along the lines of, “Of course not, silly!” And all my worrying and crying would have been in vain, and life would return to normal.

That’s not what I saw. Your response was, “ Do you want to know over text or do you want to talk in person?”

That’s what I thought, you fucking whore.

I tried to continue cutting my fingernails, but I was shaking too much. Shaking with sadness, rage, and betrayal. I cut my finger I was shaking so much.

You told me we could talk tomorrow. I want to talk sooner. I’m not going to spend my day with this in my head. I want you to see the hurt and pain on my face.

Amazingly I have kept myself from crying. I’m bottling it up for when I see you. I want you to know exactly how much you’ve hurt me.

I turned on Harry Potter, and have had it playing on my laptop as I write this. I’ve told no one. When I’m hurt I always confide in someone. Too bad the two people I go to are the ones who are causing this.

There’s really no one else I can talk to. I hardly know the roommate who is watching TV downstairs, I can’t talk to any of our friends, because I’m sure they’ll take your side. After all, you’ve had a hard year. You’ve had a breakup and went through your best friend dating the guy you hate.

You’ve had a hard year, I can imagine. Well guess what, you took away from me the best friend I’ve ever had. You took my friend away from me. I know nothing was ever going to happen between us, I settled on that thought a long time ago. But you took him, his and my friendship can never be the same.

And you took something else from me. You took our friendship. You and I will never be the same. I hope you thought this through before you acted. I hope you thought about the anguish that you were going to put me though.

And so I sit here and wait. Waiting for you to text me that you’re done with work so we can talk. I work at 4, and it’s almost 1. I have a feeling you’re going to put this off.

Thanks for thinking of me, you selfish slut.

Summer Goal

Last night I came up with a goal for the summer: fuck Cupie.

These are my reasons.

• He is attractive.
• Apparently he gets around.
• He is hilarious.
• He is awesome.
• He is one of your best friends.
• He will be your roommate.
• I am positive it would piss you off to no end.
• He is the closest I can get to you.

Drunk me decided this was a legitimate goal, and sober me doesn't entirely disagree.

This should make for an interesting summer.

Am I too too Cynical?

I've been questioning my take on the world and if it is appropriate.

Most would say not considering I hate most things...okay, everything.

I think Valentine's Day is the cause of this thought. I've never had a significant other during the holiday, so this could be why I hate the idea of it, but I truly don't believe so. People should spend more than just one concentrated day of romance on their partner.

At least this year most of my friends are single, so I don't have to be the awkward, lonely single who stays behind on the commercially oriented night of romance.

Perhaps this stems from my love life being at a complete stand still for the past 3 1/2 years.

Awesome.

Shit if I know.

But really, am I too cynical for existence?

I am bitterly distrustful of most concepts and ideas these days. The only thing I seem to have continued optimism for is humanity itself, which is a big thing to be in favor of.

I hold the generic ideal that my generation will change the world, and I truly believe it. I've shaved my head for cancer research and dropped mad cash for my collection of TOMS. The people I surround myself with continue my hope of furthering humanitarian kindness and growth, but as for everything else, I could really not be more skeptical.

Maybe I'm not cynical and I just have a strong dislike of what most people enjoy.

Like Glee.

I honestly don't see the link between the Super Bowl and Glee and why they tag-teamed Fox's Sunday Night line-up.

Hmm. Packers pwning the Steelers teamed up with horny teens who do covers of songs written and made famous by other artists. Perfect "mash-up."

I truly can't stand when I hear someone say "This is a Glee song!"

No it's not. Someone else wrote it, sang it, and made it famous way before Glee got to it.

It's like Kidz Bop for hormone-fueled teenagers.

But I admit, there are worse things in life than Glee, and I have nothing against people who enjoy it or act/sing in it. I just dislike what a giant monster it has become and when people shun me for saying I don't watch the show.

Sorry, I did not intend this to be a Glee-bashing post.

I apologize if I have offended anyone.

Really, I am just putting off finishing my summer staff applications.

Christmas Eve

I love being in the dorm when no one is here. It's oddly calming to be in a giant building basically alone.

Tiff-Tiff is working with me over Christmas Break, but she's spending the actual holiday with her family...which leaves me in charge of Angell and the 13 international students who are also staying over break.

Ehh. It's cash monies.

Probably shouldn't have watched The Shining last night before duty, though. I was so creeped out as I was doing rounds in the basement where Rena Angell supposedly haunts.

And now her picture by the desk is creeping on me.

Awesome.

Eventful day.

Woke up to unalarm doors, shoveled around the building for 2 hours, ate a donut with Tiff-Tiff, took a nap, got my car stuck in the parking lot (thank you random international students who helped me out!), went shopping, got stuck in the parking lot again...called UP for that one, and now I am working the desk.

Raking in the cash monies!

It's so weird that just a few days ago this building was full. Then yesterday the 14 of us staff members were trying to chase out the stragglers.

Then all my buddies dipped out for break! Sad bears.

I like the solitude, though. It'll force me to work on my Returner Application. I finally made my decision about applying for Senior Staff. I figured that since Brown Eyes is possibly the pickiest hall director, and he flat out told me he thinks I should apply, I'm going to.

Residence Evil also helped in making that decision. If I can coordinate that shit show...

Yay!

Kind of a secret though...I don't want my other friends that are applying to think I'm stuck up because I'm applying for a higher position.

Uggghh! Still an hour left of my shift, another shift at 8, and then duty!

But Dad is coming down tomorrow. Yay!

Shit Shit Guys

Rando thoughtsies:

I've decided I'm not going to my English class any more. Given, I only have two more classes of it, but I hate that professor with a fierce and fiery passion.

I should start chronicling my life as an RA. I find it highly interesting, but then again, it is my life.

Last night we had staff meeting. We went over closing procedures and what we have to do for check-outs and check-ins. Why do I feel like I'm going to mess this up badly? I don't want to let Brown Eyes down, but somehow I kinda feel like I will...

T and I went to Sanford Hall Council where we got to here their HD bitch them up one side and down the other. Glad our hall can hold its shit together...and not shit on the floor like some of the Sanford residents do. Wow.

Getting in gear for Residence Evil. I'm kinda freaking out for it considering I am the lead of the program and this is its first year in action. Fuck if I mess this shit up.

I threw a decapitated doll into Brown Eyes' office. His response, "Awesome." Then I threw in the head-- "Even better."

Love him.

Stayed up as per usual with Haroon and Beckles. They are the reason I get no sleep...and not to mention Weird Beard, but he was busy or something. Pff.

We discussed boys and how Brown Eyes needs to hire SINGLE, attractive men.

I'm on dutwaw this weekend. Awesome. I realz hope that it is not as bad as last weekend. Residence Evil on Saturday. Kye-Kye and I get walkie-talkies because we're bamf like that. Seriously, I'm freaking my shit out. Brown Eyes won't be there and it's kind of all on Kye-Kye and me. But yay for being covered in blood, decked out in zombie gear while on duty.

SHIIIIITT.

Backsies

It has been quite some time. What else is there to say.

Why am I here?

Because I'm in a cynical mood.

Perhaps I should start this again. As I remember, it was quite the therapy. But then again, I am a different person than who I used to be: I'm happier.

Should I be serious or dick around as per usual?

Am I ever serious?

What shall I talk about?

First thought: Jeff's Beard.

Hmm. So where am I now...

Attending University of Wisconsin-La Crosse and having one hell of a time.

I am majoring in Biology with a concentration in Biomedical Sciences and a minor in German Studies.

I work for the on campus in the Office of Residence life in the glorious Angell Hall as a Resident Assistant. My life is weird because I live where I work. I love the people around me. Other than my family, my staff team is possibly the 13 most influential people around me.

I am looking toward my future. I am planning on getting my masters in genetics research or biomedical research in some yet undetermined university on the East Coast.

I am perpetually single.

I nap like it is my job.

My favorite activity is bitching, but realistically, what else is new?

That is where I am, and it is where I am most comfortable.

Friday Night

All my friends are out tonight despite the fact we decided this would be a quiet weekend filled with cleaning and naps.
I REALLY didn't want to go out tonight.

So what am I doing? Sitting at home (yes, I refer to my dorm as "home") doing chemistry.
Why?
For some messed up reason I officially enjoy doing chemistry. Legit.
So in high school I hated chemistry. Now I'm seriously considering declaring it as my major.

I figured it out how many hours a week I spend on chemistry alone:

Lecture: 3 hours
Discussion: 1 hour
Lab: 3 hours

I work 8 hours a week and the only thing I do at work is chemistry homework...so tack on another 8 hours.
So far we're at 15 hours of chemistry. Take into consideration the time I spend in my room going over our in-class problems sheets.

We're talking close to 16-17 hours a week on one subject.
AND I FUCKING LOVE IT.

So let's recap.
I'm sitting in my dorm all by myself on a Friday night waiting for my two best friends to get back (drunk) so I can take care of them.

I feel like I'm the only one in my cube right now.
FACT.

So Eoj promised me he would drunk text me. I love Eoj's drunk texts. They're my favs.
I promised him I would leave me door unlocked tonight so he can come over and we can FINALLY have our slumber party.

So who's this Eoj character?
My best friend that's who. Haha.

Okay, so Anelram is my bff, but Eoj is a close second.

So let's talk about Eoj.
The only reason I started talking to him is because he's dead sexy.
I tell him this every day, and he STILL does not believe me.
Anelram, Eoj, and I cuddle on a daily basis. Greatest part of my day is just chilling on "the fut" having tickle fights.
And then Eoj and Anelram get angry because I'm not ticklish.

Grrr. It's like 12:30 and no one is back yet.
And the worst part--all my chemistry is done.
Test on Friday! Happy birthday to me.

I just want Anelram and Eoj to come back so we can have our girls' night!

Wait! Yay for texts form Bush Diver!
Now I have someone to have some funsies with!

I'm ghost like Swayze.

Okay...

I love my friends.
Went to a party...made out with an Asian guy named Ku. Hmm...
And Anelram dropped the pizza.
I fell down the stairs twice.
Thud.
Thud.
My finger and my ankle hurt.
And Eoj is in my damn chair.
Pff. Eoj.

Ahh!

Wow.
So I've been back to school for a week and I have more homework than I have time for.
My English professor assigned 80 pages to read and a paper on the first day. Now I have about 150 pages to read and like 2 papers to write for this weekend.

Last semester was so laid back it was ridiculous! Now I don't even have time to think...or sleep.
First week and I already miss sleep.

So my classes are German, Chemistry, English, Dance, and Theater.

Grrrrr!

That's all I have to say.

One wicked night or two *Edited Version*

I went to Winona with Peanuts and Anelram (my best friend from high school and my best friend from college...best of both worlds).
Peanuts introduced me to a guy she knew I would instantly find attractive. Needless to say, I pineappled Ron Burgundy.
I wasn't planning on drinking at the party. I hate drinking. It's just not my thing, but we were celebrating the end of the semester. Peanuts knew everyone there, and it was a lot of fun. But I like to dance and no one was dancing, so our small group just found a little section of basement and started dancing to the music. No bigs.
I pulled a dollar bill out of Ron Burgundy's boxers with my teeth.
And then the alcohol kicked in.
Peanuts disappeared, so it was just Anelram, Ron Burgundy, and myself. We just danced in a triangle. Somehow we were all over eachother just dancing and singing like we were the best of friends.
Ron Burgundy was so drunk, and Anelram was tipsy. I pecked Anelram on the lips just as a joke, and Ron Burgundy said he wanted some, so I did the same to him. I later on found out that he was talking to Anelram.

I was having so much fun. Ron Burgundy's attractiveness was just making things so much better. He was very nice, and I understood why Peanuts wanted me to meet him. I'm sure he was the only reason I was upright most of the night. Leaning against him helped, and he always danced low so that we were closer in height. I love it when people do that for me.

And then he was gone. I was all by myself in the basement of this house. I was content just sitting on the floor watching the beer-pong tourny. These 3 guys came up and started talking to me. They were very nice, but I crawled away to find the others.
I went to the second floor and found Peanuts sleeping. Then I saw Anelram and Ron Burgundy come out of the bathroom together...which lead me to start asking awkward questions. We were making our way downstairs when the 3 guys came back and started harrassing me. By then I had no clue what was going on, but they started saying that they all had girlfriends and that I shouldn't flirt with them, but I had barely talked to them and it had been mostly about how happy we were that the semester was over. I was confused, but Ron Burgundy took my hand and we were dancing again. We were passing the apple pie back and forth just sniffing the way it smelled like cinnamon and tasted like apple juice. Then someone threw up and Ron Burgundy and I were trying to get around to go back upstairs. Someone was in the bathroom throwing up and I recognized it as a girl I had met earlier in the night, so I went in and tried to take care of her. Something told me that I had puke on me, so I spent a lot of time washing any exposed skin. And then we were leaving. Sober Man made sure we were all secured into the car and we were on our way. Somehow Ron Burgundy and I were having a full-on conversation in German (apparently my German is better when I'm drunk...I may not remember genders, but for some reason I can formulate sentences really well :P)
Then he started speaking Chinese and I was lost. I haven't met many people who can speak Chinese, but apparently he can. When we got back to the dorm I was really confused because we were on the third floor, but I knew Peanuts didn't live on the third floor. Apparently the decision of me sleeping in Ron Burgundy's room was made without my knowledge. Somehow my bag of stuff was already in his room, so I changed into my pajamas, but it took me forever to find out how to put my pants on. And then Anelram was there too. And Ron Burgundy wasn't wearing any clothes besides boxers. So we all cudled on the little bed and attempted to watch Anchorman. Anelram climbed up on the top bed to go to sleep and Ron Burgundy followed her. I didn't like being alone. I was so angry. I started talking about pineapples so Anelram would get the hint, but she never got up. I got up and left. I was walking down the hallway trying to find somewhere to go. I sat on the floor and waited for Anelram to come find me so I could yell at her. But no one came.
I started to fall asleep in the hallway, but then Ron Burgundy was there pulling me up. Still in his boxers. He said something about Anelram, and I got the idea. He put me back in the lower bunk and climbed back on the top.
And then I had a tantrum.
I threw myself on the floor (which is probably why my back is killing me) and started bad-mouthing myself. So he put me back in the bed and stood next to me promising that in the morning he would make me oatmeal. He stayed next to the bed for a really long time, but finally he kissed me cheek and went back up to where Anelram was passed out. I fell asleep for roughly an hour. I woke up sobbing because I had a nightmare. To add to it, I was still incredibly drunk and couldn't remember where I was. Anelram popped her head over mine, and then I started screaming how much I hated her. She came down (closely followed by Ron Burgundy) and sat with me while I cried over my nightmare. Then we started a new movie and Anelram went to bed again. I kept complaining about how bad I smelled, so Ron Burgundy gave me some Axe deoderant to use. I don't remember why, but Ron Burgundy kept pulling down his boxers to show me his buttcrack. He climbed back up with Anelram and I bitched about having to sleep by myself. We went to bed at around 6:00am. I woke up and I felt perfect (with the exception of my back). No hangover, which was very surprising. Ron Burgundy, on the other hand, was not as lucky. Anelram was somewhere, and Ron Burgundy and I were just sitting having a conversation. Then I asked the million dollar question: "Do you remember my name?"
He still couldn't get my name right. But at least calling me Marie was closer than Marlena...which he had been calling me earlier. We kept joking around about things that had happened at the party. He appeared very embarrassed over many things (like showing me his buttcrack). It was fun again. Anelram just sat there while we talked for the most part. And FINALLY, he put on a pair of pants.
And then we left.
Anelram, Peanuts, and I talked.

Anelram told me that earlier in the night Ron Burgundy asked if they could fool around, and she told him no because I pineappled him. He was angry because I wasn't the one he would have picked.
Looking back at it sober I don't know how I didn't realize that Ron Burgundy wasn't into me but rather Anelram.

Something along these same lines happened about a month into the school year. I met this guy named Kyle, and I thought he was very nice. But he went for Anelram instead.

When we were at the party I thought he was actually interested in me but no. I was wrong.
I had also thought Kyle might have liked me a little when I first met him, but I was wrong there too.

Always wrong.

It appears that every girl I talk to has some sort of boy options. I have none.
For a while I was happy about it. Nothing to make me sad. But now I am sad for that very reason.
I hate it.
Is it wrong of me to want male attention? I honestly can't tell you the last time I was flirted with. Well...maybe with Aeropostale before we started dating...like two years ago.

Depressing.

I think I need uglier friends.
And it probably doesn't help that the only guys I hang around with are man-sluts who are always surrounded by pretty girls.